DAY 11:

And then there comes the numbness

The inability to feel

It’s walking and not knowing where you’re going

You don’t notice the sky

Or the sun

Or the people walking by

The only thing you can focus on is trying not to cry

So you just stare straight ahead

Thinking about nothing

You are dragging your feet

Shuffling to your destination

You can’t imagine running into someone you know

Or forcing yourself to smile

Or laugh

Or speak in general

You want to lie down

But when you lie down your brain is blank

You sit there and think about nothing

You don’t want to wake up

You don’t want to walk

You feel

Nothing

You are empty

Hollow

It feels like there is nothing inside you anymore

But you continue to cry

Even when you feel nothing

Even when there is nothing on your mind

Even when you are blankly staring at nothing

It’s hard to explain it if you haven’t felt it before

And it’s something I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemies

The physical feeling of your heart breaking

And you will never forget the moment it does

Something inside you just isn’t right

Something inside you is missing

You are bleeding through tears

You are filled with a pit of black

A pit of nothing

It takes all the energy inside you to hold a conversation

Takes every little ounce of you to try and be strong

Try to act like you are okay

That you are still happy

That your world isn’t falling apart in front of you

That you don’t need him

That you really aren’t hurting

Because you are strong and he did you wrong

He played you

He lied to you

He never cared for you

He is out to hurt you

He isn’t himself anymore

And you see his face when you close your eyes

And you feel his touch when you cry

And you see her

You see them smiling

You see them standing there

Haunting your dreams

You feel the pain in everything you do and everything you say

But you don’t want people to know

You don’t want to look weak

But you are beyond weak

You are nothing

You are just skin and bones

Just alive

You are barely breathing

You are crying for help

Screaming for it

But the screams are silent

And the cries are in private

You don’t want to burden others

You don’t want to seem crazy

You just want to go back to how you were

You want to be young and whole

You want to be safe and feel alive again

You want to be comfortable in your skin

You want to feel

But you just can’t right now

You can’t feel anything but pain

Suddenly going up the stairs is hard

Nothing seems appetizing

You don’t want to eat or drink

Your stomach is upset all day long

The thought of him makes you want to throw up just a little

And people just think you should get over it

You should stop sulking

You should go out and have fun

Talk to other people

How the hell do you expect me to do such things

How the hell do you expect me to talk to someone new

When it is hard to even talk to your closest friends

When it is hard to move

When its hard to wake up

And even harder to fall asleep

Nothing makes sense anymore

Because you are forced to accept the fact

That everything that you thought was true,

Was actually a lie

Just pretty words from a tainted heart

You are confused

You are alone

You are sad

And you are mad

But most of the time you’re just numb.

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