DAY 14:

I’m trying to put all of this into words

But how am I supposed to put tears into words

How am I supposed to explain the emptiness

The pain in my chest

The headaches

The aches and pains

Why do you get to be happy

Why do you get whoever you want when you want them

Why do you deserve that

You walk all over everyone else to get what you want

Because you are selfish

Because you are ignorant

Acting like I wasn’t even worth a conversation

Like I was such a piece of garbage I don’t deserve an explanation

A warning

You would think a year of talking would mean I meant something to you

How you wanted me when you had someone else

How you couldn’t let me go

How you needed me to stay

You couldn’t date me because you were scared

You were scared because you “felt so much for me”

That you were worried about “ruining everything”

That you saw yourself falling completly in love me

And that was terrifying to you

You didn’t want to bounce from relationship to relationship

You needed time

You needed to figure your shit out

And just when I thought you couldn’t hurt me more

You stabbed me in the back

Then you turned the knife

A week later you are dating someone else

You are in a committed relationship

How

I just want to know how

Someone please tell me how and why

The thought of it actually makes me sick to my stomach

Physically pains me

It disgusts me

It makes me angry

And it makes me want to cry

But most of all it hurts

It hurts

So now what?

Now I accept the fact you never meant the things you said

That you just played me this whole time

That the way you kissed me didn’t mean anything

That none of this meant anything to you

That you weren’t falling in love with me

Because you can shove me to the curb like last nights trash

You can just shove me away and feel nothing

You can sleep fine

You can feel fine

You are fine

Well I’m not fine

You know I’m not fine and you don’t care

Because you never cared

Everything you said to me was a lie

How can I accept that this guy I feel in love with lied to me the whole time

That it wasn’t real

How am I supposed to ever trust again

How am I supposed to ever love again

How am I supposed to ever believe in anyone again

All I ever wanted was the best for you

I wanted you to do better for yourself

I wanted you to love yourself

To care about yourself

But it was all about you and never about me

Everything is always about you

Because for some reason you think you are so important

That no one else matters

No wonder you can’t sleep at night

You hate yourself 

You hate yourself because deep down you know its all true

Deep down you know you are a piece of shit

Deep down you know

I know you do

And I don’t want to be filled up with this anger

And all this hatred

I always thought if I loved you I would just want you to be happy

Even if that wasn’t with me

But right now I just want to see you hurt

I want you to hurt

And I hate that

Because it is bitter

And hateful

And horrible but I can’t stop feeling this way

I want you to feel what I feel

If only just for a second

I want you to understand what you have done to me

When people ask about me I want you to feel like you want to cry

I want your heart to sink when you hear my name

I want you to dream about me

To think about me at random points in the day

And I want you to feel sad

And feel broken

But you would only feel that if it meant anything to you

And since it didn’t you will go on living

You will be with your new girl and you will be happy

And everything is going to be great

Because apparently you deserve everything

Apparently you are worthy of everything

But thats the thing, you’re not

But the world doesn’t work like that

The strong and the nice are the saddest

We are the saddest because we care too much

Because we open ourselves up and we get hurt

Because we take it

Because we can take it

Because we care so much about others we take their pain and their sorrow

We take a stand and stay strong for the weak

We get shoved down and we stand back up again

Just to take another blow

We get walked all over because thats what weak people do

They walk over other people to feel better about themselves

Because they aren’t strong enough to deal with their issues

To accept themselves for who they are

To accept their lives for what it is

You are weak

You are weak and you are pathetic

But so am I

I convinced myself for a whole year someone cared about me who didn’t

That someone finally felt something real for me

That someone wanted me

That someone wanted me so much it was terrifying

But I was wrong

My gut was wrong

I hate being wrong

But you were wrong too

And I hope you keep avoiding it

Keep avoiding it so when you have to deal with it

It destroys you.

 

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