DAY 24:

It took a long time for me to see that eventually

It was me breaking my own heart

I held on so tight because I felt something special

Something different

Something real

I fought so hard because I thought it would be worth it

I thought I was strong enough to weather the storm

I let you go so many times

I let you go so you could do your own thing

So you could find yourself

Because I knew you were lost

And I knew I couldn’t put you back together

Th only person capable of that was you

And I knew I would always be there waiting for you

Even when I told myself and everyone else I wasn’t

I was waiting for a time when you weren’t scared anymore

Waiting for a time when you were ready

But one can only wait so long

When the hours turn into days

And the days into months

The waiting becomes excruciating

I was breaking my own heart

I was breaking my heart by letting you go

Then letting you back in again

I was breaking my heart by watching you with her

And smiling even though I was dying inside

My heart cracked a little bit every time you looked at me

But it would beat so fast

As if reminding me to hold on

Just a little longer

There was something about us that just made sense

It made sense to me

And I know it made sense to you too

But you were terrified

You were so scared you settled for the easier relationship

You settle for easy

Because you are so scared of everything

You are scared of change

Of challenges

So you hide behind drugs, and alcohol, and women

You knew I broke down walls you’d never let anyone touch

So naturally you will act like what we had didn’t matter

Because that’s easier right?

Naturally you’ll find someone else to cling onto

Because you are so scared of being alone

Because you are so scared of facing who you have become

I broke my own heart by allowing myself to love you

For ignoring what people said

For responding to your “I miss you”’s

For believing your “I miss you”’s

And still a stupid part of me misses you

A part of me hopes for the future

And this is the part of me I need to abolish

This is the part of me hanging on

And if I could just turn it off I would

But its as if you influenced my soul

As if no matter what I do it calls for you

And I have no idea how to make it stop

You’d think after two girlfriends

One year

Endless nights of crying

Nights staring at the sky wondering if I’m on your mind too

You would think the bruises and the scars would repel me

You would think the pain and the heart break would make me hate you

But it has only made me hate you for a few hours

Or a few days

I just don’t know what to do

I don’t know how to erase you

I don’t know that there is a drug strong enough

A person who could love me deep enough

Or a place far enough

That could eliminate you from my mind

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