DAY 53:

Its hard to explain the pain of realizing you were a stop on the way, when you spent the whole time convinced you were the destination. That you were the answer to all their problems. You were the one they wanted to come home too. The one they trusted.

The one they wanted

But it has become clear that despite everything the person for him wasn’t you. And now you’re left wondering just what you were. The way he spoke to you convinced you it was more. That it was real. That it meant as much to him as it did to you. But they were just pretty words meant to blind you in a haze of mesmerization. He was keeping you around because he was lonely. Because he didn’t know exactly what he wanted. That deep down he was waiting for something else. Someone else. Someone to help make sense of his life. Someone to flaunt and love unconditionally. But he needed you for the time being. But he didnt see anything for the two of you, he saw the end just when you were starting to see the beginning. It was nothing more then late texts and long nights. 3 am talks about anything and everything. It was morning smiles and laughs in between it all. Yet you rarely saw him during the day. You work opposite shifts. He needed to spend time with the boys. You had schoolwork. But once the sun set and the moon warmed the night sky with its presence, he warmed you with his. You went on drives and sang too loud. You jumped up and down on his bed singing Taylor Swift at the top of your lungs when you had a bit too much wine, and he just sat there and laughed. He appeared to be mesmerized by your energy. You two wore matching boxers when you spent the night at his house. He even had a picture of you hanging on his mirror. But he took the picture down when you walked out the door in the morning. He fixed the sheets you messed up and changed the pandora channel.

You have his clothes at your house. And no matter how many times you wash them, they still smell like him. Like axe body wash, cigarretes, and a hint of Jack. You winked at each other across the bar. Kicked his ass in Mario Kart. Fell asleep watching movies. Or got distracted with kisses and snuggles. It was always natural, never forced. So as the nights drew on and the talks become more serious. You realized you were getting in pretty deep. You were feeling something real. And he had you convinced he was feeling the same. You never tried to force anything because you had a strange faith that he felt the same way you did. You knew he didn’t want to complicate things. That he wanted to keep it simple. And to be honest you felt the same way. But now you see that somewhere way WAY deep down you always knew he wasn’t going to stay. Thats why you didn’t force anything. Why you didn’t drop hints or make moves. Because you knew he would freak out and flee. Because thats what they all did to you in the past, so you were trying something different. You decided to let fate take its path and to find faith in the unknown.

But now he is gone 

And you are left with some pathetic christmas presents, a few pictures, a whole lot of memories, a shit ton of confusion and some oversized shirts.

So here you are. Forced to sit on the outside looking in as he flaunts the one he was looking for. As he uncontrollably loves the one he was seeking. And you just stand there and stare. Unable to talk. Unable to move. Because you are in shock. You’re looking around wondering if anyone else is seeing this. You don’t know how to react, don’t know what to say. You went to his best friends wedding just two weeks ago and met his whole family. Things were finally making sense. The two of you made sense. No call, no text, no conversation.

Just nothing

And you are trying to explain it to your friends. But you feel like one of those people accused of a crime they never committed. You are throwing facts and screaming on the inside. But people are just looking at you like you’re crazy. Because they only two people who knew what we really had was you and me. There were no pictures posted online, no “Facebook official” status. Because you like your privacy and you thought he did too. Now you have his baby pictures on your phone while she has his on Instagram. And he has your baby pictures on his phone but hers online.

Two weeks

You want to run away. Get in the car and drive. Get on a plane and leave the country. It’s utterly humiliating and painful and horrible. But no matter how far you run somehow it finds a way to seep into your life. Like a disease you can’t rid of. A pest you can’t exterminate. An itch you can’t reach. You want to hide. Hide in the hole you dug yourself when you decided it was okay you were getting in deep. The hole he left you in. You wish he could have atleast told you that you meant something to him. You wish he could have atleast told you good luck. Let you know you deserved someone amazing and it just wasn’t him. You pray for excuses, whether real or not, just to smooth over the blow. But he truly left you with nothing. No reason. No closure. No words. But what about the mornings when you woke up to his sleepy eyes already looking at you with a silly grin on his face. Then he would let you know how beautiful you were. How lucky he was to have you. He looked like the happiest man alive. He would kiss you on the forehead before pulling you into the biggest most random hugs. He would hold your hand defensively when you were out together. He gave you massages after a long shift. He watched shitty love movies with you. And he never complained. Not once.

You are fighting for people to understand. You are screaming on the inside. Crying with every word. Because you want someone to be on your side, to agree that the whole thing is absurd! And while people try to understand you know they don’t. And eventually you will become sick of explaining. You will become weak. Worn down. And then you will stop talking about it because it is too exhausting.

It will probably never make sense why he did what he did. And you might even begin blaming yourself. Blaming yourself for falling in love with someone who clearly didn’t give a damn about you. But you didn’t do anything. And sometimes its hard to remember its not your fault when this person just got up and left as if you were a toxic person weighing him down. When you were quite the opposite.

But think about what kind of person it would take to commit such a crime. To convince an innocent soul they felt so much for you. Convinced you with their eyes you were their whole world. And to not mean any of that. To walk out of someones life with such ease. That takes someone heartless. Someone with the inability to feel.

So its not your fault. It actually probably has nothing to do with you. I’m not saying he is an awful person, I am saying he is broken beyond repair. And he was going to leave either way. And he will probably leave her when he finds another you for the time in-between his “serious” relationships. He is a wrecking ball, destroying everything in his path with selfishness and ignorance and covetousness.

You will rebuild yourself. Avoid him. Ignore it. And you will be okay. You hope he feels like the piece of shit he is but chances are he hasn’t thought about you in weeks. It will never make sense to me. And I finally see if doesn’t NEED to make sense. Because it doesn’t need to matter anymore. Nothing involving you needs to effect me anymore. I didn’t deserve what you did but nothing will take it back. And at this point nothing will make it better. So I will live my life and I will love myself. And I will be strong. I will appreciate those who stay and let those who want to leave, leave. You are heartless and I feel bad for you. You think someone is going to help you fill the void, but they won’t. The only one capable of doing so is you but you live such a toxic life I doubt you will ever take the necessary time to find yourself. I know you will realize your mistake and I won’t give you the satisfaction of hating you. Because thats probably what you want because you know its what you deserve. I will forgive you. Because I choose not to hate and want to live a simple life filled with happiness and peace. So here’s my journey towards forgiveness.

Wish me luck.

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