DAY 41:

And I see now it’s my fault

For every time I closed the door,

I left it cracked for you

So when you wanted you could push it open

With little to no effort

That way I looked as though I was being strong

I was closing the door

Ending things

I see now I should have slammed it shut

And threw away the key

So if you did come you would have to bang it down

You would have to use all your force

Get creative with it

But that would take effort

And we both know you don’t exert effort when it comes to me

Because I made it easy

But the door is closed now

It’s completely shut

And I’m not strong enough to throw away the key

Because I clearly still want to peak and see whats on the other side

But everyday I will put new boards up

And I will install bars

And one day I’ll hide the key where no one can find it

Not even me 

 

DAY 40:

It’s these “almost” relationships that kill us

There are a million and one reasons you can’t be together

You never saw this person coming

And you tried everything you could to not get attached

But the sleepovers began to mean something

The kisses were like nothing you’d ever felt before

You knew it was so much more then two people

Then two friends spending the night

More then a hookup here and there

You found yourself wanting to be in their arms always

You found yourself thinking about them in everything you do

But a part of you knew it couldn’t be

Not now

Maybe not ever

But there was something special about this person

Something real

Something worth waiting for

Something worth making sacrifices for

You clung onto their hand when the storms came

You held them when it passed

You mended them back to health

You did everything for them

And you got nothing in return

Because the reasons remained

So you got hurt and picked yourself up again

Because you saw so much happiness with this person

You saw a future

It was bright and it was so good

So bright it blinded you

These almost relationships destroy us

They destroy us because they are filled with what ifs

And fake promises

And so much potential

And you fall for it all

But those reasons will always remain

And you will see that there really was no future

That this person didn’t choose you for reasons

Some of them completely out of your control

Some of them simply because you weren’t enough

Or you were too much

It was too real it was scary

There was someone else he cared for more

Whatever it is,

It isn’t always your fault,

And don’t convince yourself it wasn’t real

Because you will drive yourself mad

Me and you never got the ending I wanted

We never sat down and closed the book

We never wrote the last lines

So you are angry

And I am sad

And since there was no official beginning

I guess there will be no official ending

I guess it will forever be a “what if” story

A half written novel

But the feelings were real

And you couldn’t handle it

And you still can’t handle it

So now you will stuck with these “what ifs”

And eventually I won’t think about them anymore

Because I will accept what we had

I will accept what could have been

And I will smile at you

And my smile will remind you what you lost

Remind you of what you could have had

You will think about the birthdays we could have shared

The trips we planned

The adventures we spoke about

And I hope you regret it

I hope you regret everything

Because that means it was real

That means you cared

I just want to know you cared.

DAY 30:

Moving on is this vicious cycle

You are angry

And then you’re sad

Then you’re numb

Then you’re over it

Or you think you are

But a week later it starts all over again

Anger

Sadness

Numb

Done

At least that’s how its been for me

Some phases last longer then others

Some days I feel fine

I feel normal and happy and alive

And I think it happens this way just because your body

Your mind

You heart and soul

Continue reading “DAY 30:”

DAY 24:

It took a long time for me to see that eventually

It was me breaking my own heart

I held on so tight because I felt something special

Something different

Something real

I fought so hard because I thought it would be worth it

I thought I was strong enough to weather the storm

I let you go so many times

I let you go so you could do your own thing

So you could find yourself

Because I knew you were lost

And I knew I couldn’t put you back together

Th only person capable of that was you

And I knew I would always be there waiting for you

Even when I told myself and everyone else I wasn’t

I was waiting for a time when you weren’t scared anymore

Waiting for a time when you were ready

But one can only wait so long

When the hours turn into days

And the days into months

The waiting becomes excruciating

I was breaking my own heart

I was breaking my heart by letting you go

Continue reading “DAY 24:”

DAY 21:

Being stubborn is a blessing and a curse

A blessing because you don’t take shit from people

A curse because you convince yourself of things that aren’t true

Your gut makes life’s decisions

And nothing anyone has to say is going to change that

You may nod and smile while people are advising you

But inside you are laughing

Inside you are cringing

Inside you are thinking how wrong they are

And the problem is, people aren’t always wrong

And you aren’t always right

I am stubborn in the sense that I have seen a lot

I have been through a lot

Witnessed things no one ever should

And been hurt in ways I cant even speak about

Damaged beyond repair

So when things went to absolute hell

The only person there was me

So the only opinion that matters is mine

I make my decisions

I choose my path

And while that is all well

And that is all dandy

There comes a time when you need to listen

Not only listen, you have to consider peoples thoughts

Maybe not all people,

But the people who matter to you

Stubborn people shut others out

Stubborn people make a goal

And don’t give up until they cross the finish line

Stubborn people take the pain

Because their gut is telling them its worth it

Their gut is telling them keep fighting

Their gut is screaming to keep going

But sometimes the gut is wrong

Sometimes the gut is corrupted

Corrupted by lies

And misinterpretations

And deciet

Continue reading “DAY 21:”

DAY 18:

Love either makes you incredibly strong

Or it makes you incredibly weak

It can build you up

And make you so happy you feel like you could fly

It can make you see things brighter

Make you run faster

Make you work harder

Make you smile wider

Make you the best version of yourself

But there is also love that can make you weak

It can break down your walls

Sneak into your deepest fears

It can make you delusional

It can make you unreasonable

And unrealistic

It can make you crazy

And some people need that

They need that to find themselves

They need someone to pry at them

Pry until the raw version of themselves is exposed

A version of themselves they knew existed

It can strip down the insecurities

And the pain

And the past

And it can heal the cracks from past heartbreaks

Love can make you

Or love can destroy you

You have destroyed me

And its the heartbreak from being in love that changes you

It makes you bitter

And sad

And angry

And disgusted

And hard

And cynical

It changes you

And I don’t know that i’ll ever see the same

I feel like I need to go out and find myself again

A part of me wishes I’d never met you

A part of me knows I was supposed to

You have a part of me now

Take care of it

And one day,

Please give it back

I want to be whole again.

DAY 16:

One whole year

We went through hell and back

In the course of one year

There were so many obstacles in our way

So many times we should have just given up

So many moments where we both exhausted our options

It was clear our future together wasn’t going to work

It was clear no one would ever be okay with us dating

It was so damn obvious

But we stuck together

Because it was worth it

Because we had true feelings

Because in the end it was going to be worth

In the end we were going to be the “it” couple

We were going to prove everyone wrong

And most of all,

We were going to be happy

Because when the world was tearing us down

When life was becoming beyond complicated

The two of us could make it all okay

We could make one another happy

We were each others rock

We were best friends

You were my best friend

Continue reading “DAY 16:”