DAY 14:

I’m trying to put all of this into words

But how am I supposed to put tears into words

How am I supposed to explain the emptiness

The pain in my chest

The headaches

The aches and pains

Why do you get to be happy

Why do you get whoever you want when you want them

Why do you deserve that

You walk all over everyone else to get what you want

Because you are selfish

Because you are ignorant

Acting like I wasn’t even worth a conversation

Like I was such a piece of garbage I don’t deserve an explanation

A warning

You would think a year of talking would mean I meant something to you

How you wanted me when you had someone else

How you couldn’t let me go

How you needed me to stay

You couldn’t date me because you were scared

You were scared because you “felt so much for me”

That you were worried about “ruining everything”

That you saw yourself falling completly in love me

And that was terrifying to you

You didn’t want to bounce from relationship to relationship

You needed time

You needed to figure your shit out

And just when I thought you couldn’t hurt me more

You stabbed me in the back

Then you turned the knife

A week later you are dating someone else

You are in a committed relationship

How

I just want to know how

Someone please tell me how and why

The thought of it actually makes me sick to my stomach

Physically pains me

It disgusts me

It makes me angry

And it makes me want to cry

But most of all it hurts

It hurts

So now what?

Now I accept the fact you never meant the things you said

That you just played me this whole time

That the way you kissed me didn’t mean anything

That none of this meant anything to you

That you weren’t falling in love with me

Because you can shove me to the curb like last nights trash

You can just shove me away and feel nothing

You can sleep fine

You can feel fine

You are fine

Well I’m not fine

You know I’m not fine and you don’t care

Because you never cared

Everything you said to me was a lie

How can I accept that this guy I feel in love with lied to me the whole time

That it wasn’t real

How am I supposed to ever trust again

How am I supposed to ever love again

How am I supposed to ever believe in anyone again

All I ever wanted was the best for you

I wanted you to do better for yourself

I wanted you to love yourself

To care about yourself

But it was all about you and never about me

Everything is always about you

Because for some reason you think you are so important

That no one else matters

No wonder you can’t sleep at night

You hate yourself  Continue reading “DAY 14:”

DAY 11:

And then there comes the numbness

The inability to feel

It’s walking and not knowing where you’re going

You don’t notice the sky

Or the sun

Or the people walking by

The only thing you can focus on is trying not to cry

So you just stare straight ahead

Thinking about nothing

You are dragging your feet

Shuffling to your destination

You can’t imagine running into someone you know

Or forcing yourself to smile

Or laugh

Or speak in general

You want to lie down

But when you lie down your brain is blank

You sit there and think about nothing

You don’t want to wake up

You don’t want to walk

You feel

Nothing

You are empty

Hollow

It feels like there is nothing inside you anymore

But you continue to cry

Even when you feel nothing

Even when there is nothing on your mind

Even when you are blankly staring at nothing

It’s hard to explain it if you haven’t felt it before

And it’s something I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemies

The physical feeling of your heart breaking

And you will never forget the moment it does

Something inside you just isn’t right

Something inside you is missing

You are bleeding through tears

You are filled with a pit of black

A pit of nothing

It takes all the energy inside you to hold a conversation

Takes every little ounce of you to try and be strong

Try to act like you are okay

That you are still happy

That your world isn’t falling apart in front of you

That you don’t need him

That you really aren’t hurting

Because you are strong and he did you wrong

He played you

He lied to you

He never cared for you

He is out to hurt you

He isn’t himself anymore

And you see his face when you close your eyes

And you feel his touch when you cry

And you see her

You see them smiling

You see them standing there

Haunting your dreams

You feel the pain in everything you do and everything you say

But you don’t want people to know

You don’t want to look weak

But you are beyond weak

You are nothing

You are just skin and bones

Just alive

You are barely breathing

You are crying for help

Screaming for it

But the screams are silent

And the cries are in private

You don’t want to burden others

You don’t want to seem crazy

You just want to go back to how you were

You want to be young and whole

You want to be safe and feel alive again

You want to be comfortable in your skin

You want to feel

But you just can’t right now

You can’t feel anything but pain

Suddenly going up the stairs is hard

Nothing seems appetizing

You don’t want to eat or drink

Your stomach is upset all day long

The thought of him makes you want to throw up just a little

And people just think you should get over it

You should stop sulking

You should go out and have fun

Talk to other people

How the hell do you expect me to do such things

How the hell do you expect me to talk to someone new

When it is hard to even talk to your closest friends

When it is hard to move

When its hard to wake up

And even harder to fall asleep

Nothing makes sense anymore

Because you are forced to accept the fact

That everything that you thought was true,

Was actually a lie

Just pretty words from a tainted heart

You are confused

You are alone

You are sad

And you are mad

But most of the time you’re just numb.

DAY 4:

The worst is when you think you’re okay

You get this little glimpse of life without that person

And your heart doesn’t hurt

Or you don’t want to cry

And you smile because though you don’t feel “good”, you feel okay

You are proud of yourself

You’re making progress

The sun is shining

Your favorite song comes on

And then out of nowhere their face pops into your mind

You’re on the toilet

Or making coffee

Or walking

Or talking to someone

And then just like that all those feelings come flying at you

Then its almost hard to believe you felt “okay” just an hour ago

You feel it all over again and all you want is to be in their arms

You forget their flaws, their issues, how they hurt you

You forget all the things you have been training your mind to remember

Because the thought of being with them,

Maybe not even all of them,

Seems better then not having them at all

Then you start to think about ways of keeping them in your life

Maybe you could be friends

Maybe you could talk here and there

Maybe you’ll run into them when you’re out

Maybe

Maybe

Maybe

Then your brain slows down

And you slowly remember why you can’t do those things

Why you can’t have those things

Because this person meant everything to you

And this person hurt you

And you cannot have that person in your life

Well not now

Someday

That day just isn’t today

And its probably not tomorrow.

Or the day after that.

The heart needs time to heal

You need time to heal.

DAY 1:

Moving on can be exciting.

Moving on is portrayed as this happy, positive, life fulfilling thing

You are leaving the bad behind and pursuing the good

You are ridding your life of the negatives and replacing them with a fresh new beginning.

Becoming new.

Breaking out.

But moving on can also be hard.

It can be terrifying,

It can be sad,

and painful,

and horrible.

It can be nights and nights of tears.

Months of emptiness.

A constant pit in your stomach reminding you that you’re alone.

It’s waking up in the night thinking of you.

It’s nightmares with you in them.

It’s thinking about them in everything stupid thing you do and reminding yourself to stop

Forcing your brain to not think about the one thing you want.

It’s feeling obsessive and feeling crazy.

It’s losing your mind.

But most of all,

It’s being alone.

It’s the moments you want to call but know you can’t.

The moments you stare at your phone wondering if maybe they’re thinking about you.

Maybe they’re hurting too.

It’s the maybes,

The what ifs,

Continue reading “DAY 1:”