Day: It doesn’t even matter anymore

I am smiling at myself because seeing pictures of you no longer makes me cry anymore

The thought of you isn’t controlling my life

It still stings and it still hurts, yes, but it isn’t excruciating

And I see now it is a pain, a loss, I can live with

Seeing you with her doesn’t ruin my whole entire day

It doesn’t leave me thinking about you for hours

It doesn’t make me want to stay inside and cry and be alone

It stings and then slowly…it goes away

And I smile

I smile because it feels so good not to cry over you

It feels so good to see you and not want to punch something

It makes me so happy to finally be sane once more

To finally be taking the time to find myself again

Moving on is a different process for every single person

It can take hours, days, months, years

And while I am not completely healed, I am close

I no longer wonder what you’re doing or if you’re thinking about me

It just doesn’t matter anymore because I am finally over wasting time and energy on you

Moving on is possible

I am living proof that if you are hurt right now it is going to be okay

But take your time like I did

If it meant something to you it will take time

So let its run its course

But don’t let it become the course of your life

Don’t let it decide the roads you walk

Let it wash over you

Let it sink in

And then let it go and allow yourself to live once more

You can do it

Believe me, there is more than this

There is more then him or her or it

 

I believe in you because I did it

I finally did it.

 

PS: I will be starting a personal blog about lots of other things other than moving on because I have finally found I have so many other things to write about. https://caitlinscottsite.wordpress.com

That is the website follow me if you wish!

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DAY 62:

We forget what we deserve when we spend so long settling for OK

Our worth fades with the sound of our beating hearts

When who we thought we were becomes confused with someone we’ve never meet before

Someone who sacrifices their happiness for love

Someone who sacrifices everything they have worked for to earn the love of someone

Because we are convinced this person is worth it and this love is real

This love is worth fighting for

This love is worth hurting for

It’s the love people write books about

The love behind musical master pieces

It’s both tragic and beautiful

Painful and exhilarating

You see now that perhaps that’s not how love is supposed to be

That perhaps, despite everything, you were wrong

You miscalculated

This person came in and out of your life as if you were a door of convenience

They left you with excuses and broken promises

Kept you guessing with mixed signals and false hope

But you believed the excuses and you forgave time and time again

You forced yourself to understand why he didn’t want to be with you at this time

But there are only so many excuses

There are only so many reasons why one cannot be with you

There are only so many times someone can break your heart

Until you are nothing but tears and ashes on the floor

Until there is nothing left of you to break

The pain far outweighs the happiness

And you didn’t see it until you were finally sober of his kisses

Until you distanced yourself so far that running back to him would take too much energy

It would be a long hard battle that you no longer had the strength for

And you are starting to remember the worth he made you forget

You were fine before him and you will be fine after him

You were raised to be strong

To be a ferocious force people feared

A guarded soul

A mystery people found intriguing

A dandelion in a bouquet of roses

An endless pit of questions with no answers

So you never let yourself go

Because subliminally you were saving yourself for that someone

That one who would sweep you off your feet

Who would take on the puzzle that was you

Who didn’t fear your independence

Who wanted to understand why you were the way you were

Why you were so different from the rest

You mistook this person for the one who just broke your heart

You let your walls fall for the wrong one

You made a mistake 

But you deserve someone who would do anything to be with you

Not someone who drags you along healing the blows with kisses and passion

You deserve someone who wants to know about your past

Who asks about the scars

Who looks at you like you’re the only person in the room

Not someone who looks past you at the next girl walking in the door

Not someone who leaves you waiting for a pathetic text or call

If someone loves you they will fight for you

Much like you fought for this someone

Don’t let this mistake make you fear love

If anything, allow this mistake make you believe in love

Because you know for certain you fell in love with this person

The love you felt was real

And it was beautiful

Now imagine you felt that way about someone who reciprocated the same love

Imagine just how incredibly  and utterly beautiful that would be

Now allow this feeling to carry you forward

Allow yourself to find faith in the world once more

Allow yourself to believe in love again

You felt it once and you will feel it again

I will feel it again but I won’t seek it

I will allow the wheels of life to turn the way they are supposed to

And in the meantime I will love myself the way I loved you

I will not allow this to destroy me

And I will remember my worth

 

DAY 53:

Its hard to explain the pain of realizing you were a stop on the way, when you spent the whole time convinced you were the destination. That you were the answer to all their problems. You were the one they wanted to come home too. The one they trusted.

The one they wanted

But it has become clear that despite everything the person for him wasn’t you. And now you’re left wondering just what you were. The way he spoke to you convinced you it was more. That it was real. That it meant as much to him as it did to you. But they were just pretty words meant to blind you in a haze of mesmerization. He was keeping you around because he was lonely. Because he didn’t know exactly what he wanted. That deep down he was waiting for something else. Someone else. Someone to help make sense of his life. Someone to flaunt and love unconditionally. But he needed you for the time being. But he didnt see anything for the two of you, he saw the end just when you were starting to see the beginning. It was nothing more then late texts and long nights. 3 am talks about anything and everything. It was morning smiles and laughs in between it all. Yet you rarely saw him during the day. You work opposite shifts. He needed to spend time with the boys. You had schoolwork. But once the sun set and the moon warmed the night sky with its presence, he warmed you with his. You went on drives and sang too loud. You jumped up and down on his bed singing Taylor Swift at the top of your lungs when you had a bit too much wine, and he just sat there and laughed. He appeared to be mesmerized by your energy. You two wore matching boxers when you spent the night at his house. He even had a picture of you hanging on his mirror. But he took the picture down when you walked out the door in the morning. He fixed the sheets you messed up and changed the pandora channel.

You have his clothes at your house. And no matter how many times you wash them, they still smell like him. Like axe body wash, cigarretes, and a hint of Jack. You winked at each other across the bar. Kicked his ass in Mario Kart. Fell asleep watching movies. Or got distracted with kisses and snuggles. It was always natural, never forced. So as the nights drew on and the talks become more serious. You realized you were getting in pretty deep. You were feeling something real. And he had you convinced he was feeling the same. You never tried to force anything because you had a strange faith that he felt the same way you did. You knew he didn’t want to complicate things. That he wanted to keep it simple. And to be honest you felt the same way. But now you see that somewhere way WAY deep down you always knew he wasn’t going to stay. Thats why you didn’t force anything. Why you didn’t drop hints or make moves. Because you knew he would freak out and flee. Because thats what they all did to you in the past, so you were trying something different. You decided to let fate take its path and to find faith in the unknown.

But now he is gone 

And you are left with some pathetic christmas presents, a few pictures, a whole lot of memories, a shit ton of confusion and some oversized shirts.

So here you are. Forced to sit on the outside looking in as he flaunts the one he was looking for. As he uncontrollably loves the one he was seeking. And you just stand there and stare. Unable to talk. Unable to move. Because you are in shock. You’re looking around wondering if anyone else is seeing this. You don’t know how to react, don’t know what to say. You went to his best friends wedding just two weeks ago and met his whole family. Things were finally making sense. The two of you made sense. No call, no text, no conversation.

Just nothing

And you are trying to explain it to your friends. But you feel like one of those people accused of a crime they never committed. You are throwing facts and screaming on the inside. But people are just looking at you like you’re crazy. Because they only two people who knew what we really had was you and me. There were no pictures posted online, no “Facebook official” status. Because you like your privacy and you thought he did too. Now you have his baby pictures on your phone while she has his on Instagram. And he has your baby pictures on his phone but hers online.

Two weeks

You want to run away. Get in the car and drive. Get on a plane and leave the country. It’s utterly humiliating and painful and horrible. But no matter how far you run somehow it finds a way to seep into your life. Like a disease you can’t rid of. A pest you can’t exterminate. An itch you can’t reach. You want to hide. Hide in the hole you dug yourself when you decided it was okay you were getting in deep. The hole he left you in. You wish he could have atleast told you that you meant something to him. You wish he could have atleast told you good luck. Let you know you deserved someone amazing and it just wasn’t him. You pray for excuses, whether real or not, just to smooth over the blow. But he truly left you with nothing. No reason. No closure. No words. But what about the mornings when you woke up to his sleepy eyes already looking at you with a silly grin on his face. Then he would let you know how beautiful you were. How lucky he was to have you. He looked like the happiest man alive. He would kiss you on the forehead before pulling you into the biggest most random hugs. He would hold your hand defensively when you were out together. He gave you massages after a long shift. He watched shitty love movies with you. And he never complained. Not once.

You are fighting for people to understand. You are screaming on the inside. Crying with every word. Because you want someone to be on your side, to agree that the whole thing is absurd! And while people try to understand you know they don’t. And eventually you will become sick of explaining. You will become weak. Worn down. And then you will stop talking about it because it is too exhausting.

It will probably never make sense why he did what he did. And you might even begin blaming yourself. Blaming yourself for falling in love with someone who clearly didn’t give a damn about you. But you didn’t do anything. And sometimes its hard to remember its not your fault when this person just got up and left as if you were a toxic person weighing him down. When you were quite the opposite.

But think about what kind of person it would take to commit such a crime. To convince an innocent soul they felt so much for you. Convinced you with their eyes you were their whole world. And to not mean any of that. To walk out of someones life with such ease. That takes someone heartless. Someone with the inability to feel.

So its not your fault. It actually probably has nothing to do with you. I’m not saying he is an awful person, I am saying he is broken beyond repair. And he was going to leave either way. And he will probably leave her when he finds another you for the time in-between his “serious” relationships. He is a wrecking ball, destroying everything in his path with selfishness and ignorance and covetousness.

You will rebuild yourself. Avoid him. Ignore it. And you will be okay. You hope he feels like the piece of shit he is but chances are he hasn’t thought about you in weeks. It will never make sense to me. And I finally see if doesn’t NEED to make sense. Because it doesn’t need to matter anymore. Nothing involving you needs to effect me anymore. I didn’t deserve what you did but nothing will take it back. And at this point nothing will make it better. So I will live my life and I will love myself. And I will be strong. I will appreciate those who stay and let those who want to leave, leave. You are heartless and I feel bad for you. You think someone is going to help you fill the void, but they won’t. The only one capable of doing so is you but you live such a toxic life I doubt you will ever take the necessary time to find yourself. I know you will realize your mistake and I won’t give you the satisfaction of hating you. Because thats probably what you want because you know its what you deserve. I will forgive you. Because I choose not to hate and want to live a simple life filled with happiness and peace. So here’s my journey towards forgiveness.

Wish me luck.

DAY 49:

We all want to be picked

We want to be someone’s first choice

We want to be chosen because we are special

Because we possess something someone else wants

We want to feel important

We want someone to realize our worth

It’s the best feeling to be someones first choice

Someones only choice

Because all the other options have been eliminated

Because the only one that matters in their eyes is you

And sometimes time passes

And suddenly we have to work for this person to choose us

Even though they’re the only ones we want

The only ones we need

Sometimes things change

And other people come along

You hear it in his voice

See it in his eyes

There is something…

Different

So now you find yourself drowning

Drowning in confusion

Suffocating from heartbreak

Because this person stopped choosing you

And you want to know why

You may have other options but you don’t want them

You don’t want them because you want him

But he doesn’t want you anymore

You stopped choosing me

And I fell hard

Gasping for air

As the water filled my lungs

Yelling out your name

But the words never came out

Because I wasn’t going to force you to choose me

Because that’s not real

You can’t make someone pick you

You can’t give someone a new ultimatum everyday

Because then you will simply go days

Or months

Or years

Knowing deep down it isn’t real

Knowing in your soul the ultimatums are a result of fear

You are so scared of losing this person you are forcing them to stay

With subtle threats

And gentle hints

Because the thought of losing them is unbearable

A pain that will never stop hurting

You are so terrified you latch on

And because they care they won’t leave instantly

The decision won’t be an easy one for them

So they take their time walking away

And you can chase them

Run as fast as you can

Tug as hard as you want

But the mind doesn’t change like that

And you forcing him is simply pushing him farther

His heart is elsewhere

And sometimes you have to just let him go

Sometimes you have to send them away

And pray they find what they’re looking for

Pray they realize it’s you

And maybe it is

Or maybe it’s not

We all like control

We like consistency

But the heart isn’t consistent

And the mind is forever changing

Love is messy

And loss even worse

But sometimes you just have to let go

They always say if “you love them, let them go”

And it never made sense to me until just now

You let them go because you want them to find themselves

Knowing maybe they can’t do that with you

You want them to be happy

And you want them to be free

So you let them go

Thats true love right there

When their happiness is more important then your own

And you’d rather they be happy

Even if that means not being with you

You have to let them go

Let them make their own decisions

If they want you

They will choose you

DAY 46:

Every scar has a story

Sometimes we forget they’re even there

Until someone asks

Or something reminds you of them

A permanent reminder of the pain endured

A story we will never stop telling

A memory that will never fade

The bruises and the scratches

Those heal

Just give them a little bit of time

A bandaid or two

And your skin is back to new

But you don’t mend scars

You cant erase them

You stitch them up

And wait for them to heal

And then they’re just there

Eventually they don’t hurt

Not even a little

Maybe if they’re poked and prodded at

But for the most part they’re just…

There

Scars remain because something happened to you

Something happened to you and it was so important

It hurt so much

It did so much damage to you

There wasn’t any drug

Any pill

Any treatment

That could make it go away

We live and die with these scars

Sometimes they make us want to hide

Sometimes they are huge

And they are painful to look at

But they are a part of you

And they are never going away

Some people hide behind their scars

They make them weak

Some people bury their scars

They make them vuldernable

Some people wear their scars

They make them strong

These wounds are going to be carried from relationship to relationship

From move to move

From age to age

They shape us

They change us

Change us forever 

Our physical makeup will never be the same

Thats what happens in life though

Life hurts you

Love destroys you

People inflict pain upon you

Your body endures so much with age

You get burned from putting yourself out there

From allowing yourself to be in a situation in which you can get hurt

From letting someone into your heart

From taking chances

And trying to make your days worth it

But if you didn’t do these things

You wouldn’t be living

You would be scared

You would be sheltered

And life would slowly pass you by

So if you’re hurting

If your scar is fresh

And it is bleeding

And it hurts

And it’s painful

I guess just try to think about how it won’t hurt one day

Think about your other scars and how you’ve learned to live with them

Your body can handle so much pain

Your mind is so incredibly strong

But it hurts now

So let it hurt

But keep in mind the fact that you wouldn’t be living

If you didn’t feel

If you didn’t take chances

I hope one day I can embrace the scar you left

But right now its still tender

I’m working on stitching it up

And soon you’ll be nothing but a story

They story behind the scar

 

DAY 43:

Seems crazy how once you’ve loved everything makes sense

Yet nothing makes sense at all

The quotes and the stories suddenly come together

You finally understand the old poet’s tales

The universal obsession with love

Yet the world seems so different

As though you’re looking through a new lens

You suddenly understand peoples feelings more

You physically feel other’s emotions

As if your heart has been awakened

You’re aware of things you never were before

Finding the feeling of home in someone’s arms

Finding tranquility in a person’s laugh

You feel the anger evolved from betrayal

The confusion as to why you love this person

The vulnerability from letting someone in

The sadness from losing a best friend

I want to make sense of it all

Because I like answers

I find peace in conclusions

But I guess thats not how it always works is it?

Because that would make life too easy

I suppose the world has a history of leaving us stranded

Stranded with another mystery to solve

More thesis’s for us to form

More answers to search far and wide for

More tests to run

But thats the thing though

Not everything is supposed to make sense

We aren’t ever going to have all the answers

If we spend our whole lives trying to answer every question

To test every hypothesis

To calculate every risk

We will simply die with a mind consumed of endless questions

Questions with no answers

We will miss out on love

And loss

And life

You need to choose life

You need to live without them

You need to stop searching for answers

Trying to make sense of what they did

And how they feel

I need to choose life

I need to stop looking for you in everything I do

And everyone I meet

I need to let you go

I’m done asking questions

And I’m done looking for answers

They will come if they’re meant to

It’s time

It’s time to stop letting this heartbreak define me

It’s time to stop forcing myself upon others

It’s time to take time 

To take time to find myself again

The only mystery I need to solve is my own

And the only person I need to figure out is me

 

DAY 41:

And I see now it’s my fault

For every time I closed the door,

I left it cracked for you

So when you wanted you could push it open

With little to no effort

That way I looked as though I was being strong

I was closing the door

Ending things

I see now I should have slammed it shut

And threw away the key

So if you did come you would have to bang it down

You would have to use all your force

Get creative with it

But that would take effort

And we both know you don’t exert effort when it comes to me

Because I made it easy

But the door is closed now

It’s completely shut

And I’m not strong enough to throw away the key

Because I clearly still want to peak and see whats on the other side

But everyday I will put new boards up

And I will install bars

And one day I’ll hide the key where no one can find it

Not even me